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...what if the hokey pokey is really what it's all about?
OBJECTIVE REALITY IS IRRELEVANT.

. . . accept the anxiety of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.
- pierre teilhard de chardin, sj

Man is most nearly himself when he achieves the seriousness of a child at play. - Heraclitus

we don't see things as they are, we see things as we are. - anais nin

a person can stand almost anything but a succession of ordinary days. - goethe

right or wrong are judgments we make on hindsight. but at that moment of choice, we make our decisions in the best way we know how. - a. chai, the last time i saw mother

We are accustomed to imagining the experience of conversion or sudden call to grace as an ‘Oh, joy!’ phenomenon. In my experience, more often than not it is, at least partially, an ‘Oh, shit!’ phenomenon. - M. Scott Peck from "The Road Less Travelled"

life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. -john lennon

i want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. -the invitation

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Jun. 26th, 2009 @ 08:33 am petiks muna
and so my final school year in ica is in full swing. as fourth year counselor, i now have firsthand experience that the work load is really heavier than that of the other year levels. primarily because i'm handling the applications of all my students to six different universities. we managed to survive UP, i think the rest should be easier now. :)

aside from college placement, i also have my usual lessons and a special program that serves as a co-curricular club. i might also be the moderator of the freshman interaction committee, which will require me to stay for long meetings after school and attend saturday facilitators' trainings. i have a class night for each of my seven sections, which means i will be spending seven friday nights in ica this year. add to that at least one saturday a month and two sundays that i will be required to report to work as well, i don't know when to find the time to find a new job by april.

but find a new job i must! hahahaha.

i am in the process of updating my resume and exploring different job opportunities. i must admit that after almost four years of staying in one place that is so familiar and comfortable, it is a bit unnerving to put myself out there in the market again. i just hope i find what i'm looking for.
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Jun. 11th, 2009 @ 04:27 pm back to school
i feel dead on my feet today. lack of sleep and stress does that to me. hay. it didn't help that an apparent allergy attack suddenly came out of nowhere last night. i began to itch behind my ears and along my forehead. a couple of hours later, i was scratching all over and my skin was breaking out in rashes, bumps and scratch welts. eww.

today is our last "free" day. come monday, students will once again be walking along what had been quiet halls for the past six weeks. hard to believe that i have been reporting to work for six weeks already. it feels like i have nothing to show for it!!! haaaay.

i'm so unprepared, i don't even have new shoes!!! :P
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Jun. 9th, 2009 @ 08:05 pm SY 2009-2010
it's my final year in ICA. i intend to enjoy myself as much as possible. :) unfortunately, am not exactly starting out on the right foot.

classes have been delayed because of the swine flu scare. this leaves me with very little time to cram my students' UPCAT application. i'm nowhere near ready with my orientation, re-entry lesson plan, homeroom guidance program, etc.

on the other hand, us guidance counselors are settling into our newly air-conditioned offices quite well. :)

seriously, i need to get my sh*t together. fast.
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Jun. 9th, 2009 @ 07:57 pm late and later
knowing our penchant for being regularly late for work (among other things), ivan and i decided to start a "late fund". for every day that we come in late for work, we pay a hundred bucks to the fund. we thought this would be a very good deterrent for us from being repeatedly tardy.

we were wrong.

we started this last monday. the fund is already at one thousand bucks. hehehe
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May. 22nd, 2009 @ 06:29 pm PURITA
at work, we call ourselves PURita when we're all out of spending money. in my case, i always say it but i've never really felt it as much as i did yesterday.

(two days ago...)
upon an examination that required him to use two syringes and glass slides to biopsy my tendon cyst, my doctor concluded that my cyst was actually situated on a nerve. it was a "neuroma" he said, best treated by a neurosurgeon. he promptly referred me to one in cardinal santos. he charged me 400 bucks for the consultation and the examination.

yesterday, i called for an appointment with the neurosurgeon. i was immediately asked to come in for a consult. so i showered and rushed over to cardinal santos. i waited in the office for an hour and was finally paged in by the doctor himself. after a cursory visual and tactile examination of my so-called neuroma, he chatted me up for a while and requested me to return again in three month's time. the entire face-to-face time with the doctor can't have been more than ten minutes.

i went back out to the waiting room while the secretary conferred with the doctor how much the charges are. she came back out and said, "one two fifty."

for a moment, i was a bit confused. i think i only heard the two-fifty part distinctly so i asked again.

one two fifty. (as in one thousand, two hundred, fifty pesos)

WOW was my initial reaction. i was so mortified when i looked in my wallet in realized i only had one ONE fifty in cash.

i highly doubted that one made "tawad" with neurosurgeons, noh?

i had to ask the secretary where the nearest ATM machine was because i didn't have enough cash on me. haaay. stupid cardinal didn't have a working one within the compound. (what of people who need cash for emergency purposes?! stupid!)

anyway, i did manage to go to a nearby bank and withdraw the necessary funds to pay off my embarrassing debt. and just to prove to the girl that i am not super purita, i left my fifty peso change with her and said, "just give it to me when i come back in three months." hehehehehe.
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May. 22nd, 2009 @ 05:59 pm back to school
it's been a while since i last wrote a journal. i've been back at work for three weeks now! so far, it's been a lot of "area work" - which for us guidance counselors mean just filling up of student information sheets. however, given that counselors in the high school double as the faculty development committee, we have also been busy developing/delivering modules and presentations for the high school faculty.

the girls are a riot as usual - mt, katyu and mommy. we've been lunching out almost everyday, taking two hour breaks that brought us even as far as manang's in ateneo one time. hehehe

our best news for the year is that, true to her word, sr. tere had air conditioning units installed in all the guidance offices. yehey!!! we're no longer the only jabar people in the high school department! hahahahaha.

***

the past two days were a faculty retreat in school, each day ending with a mass. mt was in front of me in the communion line; kat yu was behind me. we were in single file in the left most side of the chapel, the aisle was pretty narrow between the pews and the wall. after mt had communion, i stepped aside to give her some room to go back to our seats. as i was receiving mine, i heard a loud crunching sound followed by a very surprised "hhaaaah!!!"

i managed to keep my composure until i turned around and saw MT rubbing a spot on her forehead staring accusingly at the speaker hanging on the wall. from that moment on, it was a struggle to keep my mouth shut and laugh silently. we all knelt down side-by-side, shoulders shaking, praying we don't end up laughing boisterously while everyone else was praying. it was a struggle to even swallow. it was the ultimate test of self-control. hehehe

***

haaay, i would really be very lonely leaving this great team behind at the end of the year.
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May. 21st, 2009 @ 07:51 pm oo nga!!!
while my colleague was singing along to "let's dance" by lady gaga, her son matthew was visibly disturbed.

"mama, why is her name a bad word?!"
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May. 10th, 2009 @ 09:38 pm 3/5
after i realized how much of my salary i'm losing in a year with all my tardiness, i've decided to exert more effort into being on time. so after one week of work, i have to say i need even more effort! hahahahaha

i was late both thursday and friday. haaay. tomorrow is the start of another week. i hope i do better.

on a good note, i've been productive at work so far. it's going to be an exciting year. what with all the stress and turmoil going on at home, i'm hoping to enjoy my last year of work in ICA. i'm going to take it easy on myself and have fun.

i suppose that means the thesis ain't getting done this year... hihihi
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Apr. 28th, 2009 @ 06:59 pm season ender
what the hell happened to summer? it started too early and ended too soon. strange.

my vacation is almost over as well. one month of not doing anything, really. all i have to show for it is a slight tan from a week-long boracay trip. i also managed to read two books by gregory maguire: confessions of an ugly stepsister and mirror, mirror.

the rest of my days were spent renewing my license, waiting in coffee shops and lying in bed. it's a wonder i managed to survive even without a working tv set in my bedroom.

my last project for the break is cleaning out my closet and shoe collection. i began it yesterday but had to stop to rest. all that activity proved too much after three weeks of lethargy. hehehe. will try to pick it up again tomorrow. i need to make room for new uniforms and work shoes come june.

one more year... one more year...
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Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 11:41 am MMDA nightmare (part 2)
two weeks later, i was back at the MMDA office. i went straight to the verification windows to submit my papers. i sat down in the very hot and crowded waiting area, populated mostly by bus drivers hounded by non-contact apprehensions by MMDa officers.

it was a pretty long wait so i had time enough to notice that the waiting area, which was the size of about one and a half classrooms had only three stand fans inside and three built-in exhaust fans. there was a television set mounted by a wall but i never saw it turned on. behind the rows and rows of chairs, across the window counters, the wall had glass panes dividing the waiting area from another office. what a difference beyond the glass panes!!! empty office desks, there were only about three or four people in there. it was air-conditioned and, despite the fact that it's an office where the people should be working, the television set in THERE was turned on. in fact, two out of the four people in the office seemed transfixed on the program.

my name was eventually called out by a lady, unintelligible even to my sister-in-law. i proceeded to the clearance window through a maze of sweaty drivers' arms. i was handed another print out which shed more light on the mystery of my unclassified offense.

information included are as follows:
driver's license number
driver name
violation date: 1/20/2007
officer number
violation: reckless
fine: Php500 (+10)

the lady then instructs me to go to the next window to pay. my sister-in-law informs me that we could actually get the ticket printed out for us in the main building. of course, i wanted to know when and where i was being reckless!

two MMDA employees at the door looked at my papers and directed us to the 7th floor of the building. i questioned them why the LTO alarm said 11/28/08 when the violation is now dated 1/20/07. he answers me matter-of-factly, "ah syempre date ng alarm yung, iba sa date ng violation.", as if a delay of a year and nine months between violation and alarm is perfectly acceptable.

off to the 7th floor where i finally discover the truth! the violation was way back when we still haven't bought my RAV4, way back when i was still driving around the trooper, always with my dad.

(flashback...)
one day in ancient history (circa 2007), i was driving along ortigas and was about to turn left, northbound on edsa, on my way to ateneo. the cars before me were moving slowly because of the traffic. i crossed the pedestrian lane before the yellow light but was unable to make the turn before the light turned red. because cars and buses along edsa already started moving, i remained where i was not knowing that i was blocking that thin strip of road where buses pass through (those who've seen edsa-ortigas intersection know what a mess it is below the flyovers). so, i backed up into the pedestrian lane. when it was our turn to go again, we were promptly waved down by an officer. he asked for my license and wanted to write me a ticket. however, i argued my case that i did not run a yellow or red light. i was just stuck because if i had insisted on crossing edsa, i'd have been run over by the moving buses. eventually he let us go, he did not say he was writing a ticket, obviously i did not sign any such thing.

BUT NO! the stupid asshole did write a ticket! what a fucker!!! he just didn't want to argue with us so he took down my license number and just wrote a ticket behind my back. of course, i find out about it more than two years later when i could not contest it to defend myself!!!

in any case, there was really nothing else to do but pay the price of my supposed crime. i went back to the cashier and paid 510 bucks. i asked the man what the ten pesos was for. "printing", he tells me, for the half sheet of bond paper that informed my of my violation and corresponding fine.

i went back to the lady to submit my official receipts. she tells me to wait again for my official clearance form. when she finally calls my name again, i breathed a sigh of relief. it was finally over!!!

BUT NO!!! ahahaha! not just yet!!! bayani himself could have been wagging a finger in my face in mockery. she says, "xerox mo ito lahat tapos bigay mo sa metrobase."

first of all, where the hell and what the fuck is metrobase? aren't you all MMDA offices???
secondly, didn't all these paperwork come from you? doesn't that mean you have it all on file and you already have duplicates???

i go back to the xerox lady in the carwash who efficiently consolidates my three receipts, information sheet print out worth 10 bucks and clearance certificate into two pages only. apparently, she's been informed of procedure. whereas, clearly, everyone else in the MMDA waiting room has not been as fortunate.

i searched for "metrobase" located across the street in another building yet again. i submit my photocopies and get a stamp that says "LIFTED" on my clearance certificate. by 2:30 pm today, my alarm would have been lifted and i can finally get a new driver's license. the end.

***

moral of the story:
- should you have the misfortune of receiving an alarm yourself, do not fret. there is no point. there is no easy way to get out of it except with money grease.
- before going to MMDA, do any means necessary to calm yourself. you are about to experience extortion and inefficiency at its finest, performed by people whose salary is taken out of yours.
- patience is a virtue. really.

seriously, i feel sorry for the countless stream of bus drivers the MMDA manages to gather with their "non-contact apprehensions". these drivers can amass fines in the thousands to clear their buses for operation and their licenses. to make matters worse, sitting idly in the MMDA waiting room also means they are not going to get paid for that day, right?
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Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 11:29 am MMDA nightmare (part 1)
i dragged tim out of bed/pet society to drive me over to the MMDA office in guadalupe. we went to the main building only to be directed to another office across the street. there we were duly informed that slippers and shorts were not allowed inside. i really don't know how they expect people to know this; there are no signs of this dress code to be found. i was on my own, tim was wearing board shorts and flipflops to boot.

what also can not be found is a clear set of guidelines or procedure as to what to do when you get there. there was a desk at the door where a portly cop was sitting beside a lady. i handed over my license renewal papers and the alarm print out from LTO. he asks, "xerox ng lesensya?" and i go, "ah, kailangan ba?" again it begs to be asked, how did they expect me to know???!!! i walk over a block down the street to a car wash where a xerox lady is set up alongside the wet cars.

i went back to portly cop with my photocopies in tow. he handed me over a numbered piece of paper to fill up and says, "bayad ka sa kabila tapos balik ka sa akin." by kabila, he meant the woman sitting right beside him behind the same desk. i refused to budge and handed over the papers to the girl. i paid 30 bucks, got the receipt, handed it back to portly cop who told me to sit down and wait.

i went near the windows labeled "verification" where a kindly man informed me that numbers were being called out in order. mine was 373, they were serving 310+. i had 60 people ahead of me and it was fast approaching 5pm.

at the end of the day, i walked away without a new license and a bonus apprehension alarm from MMDA.
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Apr. 21st, 2009 @ 11:04 am LTO nightmare
a few days after my birthday on the 30th of march, i came to realize that my driver's license was already expired. so before the holy week holidays began, i decided to get it renewed at the megamall LTO renewal center.

i went there around 830am so i can be one of the first in line. unfortunately, i came even before the LTO staff even opened their doors. apparently, THIS government office starts the day at 900am or so. when i finally made it inside, i was pleasantly surprised to see it brightly lit, air-conditioned, and clean. best of all, there were only three other people on the benches. i soon found out that there was no doctor in the office that day, which meant i had to get the required medical examination somewhere else and come back or just renew at some other center. (that explains the lack of people!) i decided to get the drug test over with at the center next door. it cost me an hour's waiting time and 300 bucks.

i walked from megamall to galleria where there was another LTO renewal center. the drug testing center was packed like a can of sardines! i was handed a number to wait for my turn with the doctor. good thing the LTO center itself was cool and pretty much unoccupied. i waited on the other side of the glass window of the doctor's office where i could see the numbers of patients coming in. i crossed over to the sardines can only when my number was up. that's another half an hour wait and 100 bucks.

finally, i was done with all the tests. i submitted my papers at the counter and was told to come back at 1pm. i had a leisurely lunch and came back to have my photo taken. i thought i just had to wait for my new license to come out. i thought wrong. the man at the counter informed me that i had an "alarm" - an unsettled violation with MMDA, which i had to clear at the MMDA office in guadalupe.

the print-out i was given only gave the apprehending officer's number, my violation which was "unclassified" (huh?!) and the date, 11/28/08. at that point, i started racking my brain as to what possible unclassified offense i committed on that day. more importantly, how they could know my name and license number without stopping me and inspecting my license. it was a big mystery...
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Apr. 18th, 2009 @ 02:45 am time out!
tim, van and i left for boracay last wednesday morning on the 630 am flight. from the moment i left the house that early morning, i began to feel a whole lot better. after checking in, we walked around and settled for breakfast at one of the food stalls in terminal 3. as expected, we missed the boarding call and ended up being last to get on the plane. as in, our-names-were-being-paged-last-call-level. we were obviously off to a very good start. hahahahaha.

the plane ride was pleasantly short. ivan and i were seated with our backs to the cockpit. it was a curious feeling taking off leaning forward and landing facing back. when we arrived, tim and i were quick to pass on fund-managing/ transportation-arranging duties to ivan. hehehe. i think he was perfectly willing to do it since he's been there every year since 2003. we both knew nothing and were therefore perfectly satisfied being useless.

for the most part of our holy-week-long trip, we stayed at fat jimmy's, a hotel resort past d'mall palengke. it was a decent place with very friendly rates and staff. the only part i didn't like was that we had to walk through the palengke and the garbage disposal area of a nearby building to enter the resort. i held my breath everytime we walked by. other than that, i'd be willing to stay there again if i were traveling on a budget. if i had money to spare, i'd probably choose to stay at a beachfront hotel.

i thought six days in boracay was long enough, but i was wrong. on our last day, none of us wanted to leave. i guess we all needed a long break from our busy and stressful lives. i mean, who would want to go back if you were sleeping till noon everyday, waking up for lunch at 2pm, swimming and sunbathing till it was time for drinks at happy hour? and after happy hour, we'd go back to the room to clean up and nap till we all got hungry, usually around 11pm. we'd go out for dinner and either chill out or party somewhere. beach bumming is awesome!!! hahahha

***

as if we needed anymore reason to stay in boracay, we decided to spend our last night there in discovery shores. it is probably one of the most, if not the most, expensive place you can stay in. however, we soon realized that you really get what you pay for. for sure the place was gorgeously designed, from the lay out and exterior of the buildings to the interiors of the rooms. but what makes it truly worth it is the superior service you receive from the staff.

first of all, we got picked from fat jimmy's and were brought over to discovery shores where a receptionist met us at the entrance and cold towels were handed to us on a tray. we were ushered up to the lobby where we were given an option to wait till our room was ready. bell boys readily took charge of our luggage. while waiting, we decided to make use of the pool. each lounge chair had a pillow and a towel ready for use. when we were lying there, a staff member came over and, get this, folded up our discarded shirts and cover-up and put them on the table beside the chairs. after a while, another staff came over and offered cucumber and orange slices on ice to put over our eyes and cheeks. hahahahaha. PANALO!!!

other noteworthy value-added services include:
- free transportation to and from the resort to anywhere nearby in the island, complete with mentos candies offered to you by the driver everytime you take a ride
- complimentary fruits, pastries, cookies and dried fruits in the junior suite; i think the coffee grounds and twinnings tea bags were also free but we didn't use it anymore
- the mini-bar was NOT overpriced; i think that's something!!! :)
- complete amenities inside the suite: toiletries, slippers, robes, wifi, i-pod speakers, flat screen tv, fabulous pillows and duvet, a rack to hang wet clothes, even a wooden basin with fresh flowers that you can fill up with water for a foot bath.
- attentive staff who consistently fold up your clothes, offer you iced lemon water when you're lounging by the pool or at the beachfront; one guy even offered to clean our shades = he had a lens cleaner in a spray bottle and the cloth meant to wipe it with
- it doesn't end just because you're going home, too! the resort offers you a ride to the port, pays for your terminal fee and takes you to caticlan on their private boat. on the way, the attendant offers cold towels and bottled water.

basically, from the time they pick you up till they drop you off at your next destination, it's pampered-treatment all the way. i would definitely be willing to stay there again.

now i'm back here in manila where it's equally hot, but i'm far away from the beach or a pool so there's no excuse to be walking around in a bikini and no water to cool off in. no more bailey's shake at happy hour, no more late meals and evening naps. no more red, orange and pink sunset skies. *sigh*

boracay was absolute fun. i really needed that.
i want more. :)
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Apr. 6th, 2009 @ 03:20 am fucked up
my cell phone died. i'm going to lose all my contact numbers, saved messages and photos. it's currently in the nokia service center fighting for a second wind.

my favorite cordless phone is making loud, painful noises in my ear and the other one has no lasting power.

the best way to contact me right now is via YM.

and my boyfriend's internet has been down for a couple weeks now.

it's getting very tricky.

plus, my parents now know i have a boyfriend who's not chinky-eyed. hahahaha.

it's getting really tricky.

haaay. i am dreading the days, weeks and months ahead now. i want out of here. now more than ever before.

***

just to make things worse, i'm locking myself in my bedroom with the only tv set in the house that's not working. stupid sky cable digibox. i hate it!

***

will i wake tomorrow
from this nightmare?

-rent
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Apr. 1st, 2009 @ 01:22 am turning 30
the week leading up to my birthday was quite busy and stressful. i had some emotional drama to deal with, a busy rehearsal schedule to attend, final requirements to submit at work, and a financial crisis i could no longer deny. hahaha!

at one point, my boss and i had this conversation in her office:
her: jem, what are your plans on monday?
me: monday? uhm, i'm working here.
her: yeah, so you're coming in?
me: yeah, may pasok tayo, right?
her: ok, so are you planning anything?
me: why? what's on monday?

bwahahahahahaha. she eventually had to point out that it was, indeed, my birthday on monday. honestly, this birthday crept up on me. at the beginning of this month, i was advised by a certain jeff hidalgo to have a big party for my 30th birthday. most of my friends know that i did plan some sort of activity for my past birthdays. but for this one... nada! hahahaha. how ironic. i really thought i was going to have a big party, until:

a) i bought a laptop and went broke.
b) i got so busy until it was just too late to plan anything at all.

even with our traditional salubong, i had coley and tim texting me what the hell the plans were for that night. hahaha. i'm so sabog!!!

so my 30th year of existence was celebrated with my family over dinner on the eve of my birthday. then i salubong-ed by birthday with the three most special non-family people in my life. the four of us also pigged out at cyma for my birthday dinner. all in, i'd say it wasn't such a bad way to turn 30. hahaha.

i used to ask my older friends if they felt their age, if they felt any different; most of them say no. i beg to differ. i do feel my age. i feel it when i can no longer function after a sleepless night. i feel it when my bones make creaking and popping sounds when i dance. i feel it when i starve myself for weeks and fail to lose a pound.

more importantly, i feel it when i look ahead and see a future of independence and complete self-reliance. i feel it when i carry my high school friends' babies. i feel it when my students ask me for college and career advice. i feel it in my parents' increasing number of white hairs and decreasing sermons (hahaha!). i feel it when i look back and realize how utterly young, naive and foolish i have been. i feel it when i look forward and plan out a life i get to build the way i want it.

i feel it. and it feels great. :)
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Mar. 24th, 2009 @ 02:45 am
And because Love battles


And because love battles
not only in its burning agricultures
but also in the mouth of men and women,
I will finish off by taking the path away
to those who between my chest and your fragrance
want to interpose their obscure plant.

About me, nothing worse
they will tell you, my love,
than what I told you.

I lived in the prairies
before I got to know you
and I did not wait love but I was
laying in wait for and I jumped on the rose.

What more can they tell you?
I am neither good nor bad but a man,
and they will then associate the danger
of my life, which you know
and which with your passion you shared.

And good, this danger
is danger of love, of complete love
for all life,
for all lives,
and if this love brings us
the death and the prisons,
I am sure that your big eyes,
as when I kiss them,
will then close with pride,
into double pride, love,
with your pride and my pride.

But to my ears they will come before
to wear down the tour
of the sweet and hard love which binds us,
and they will say: “The one
you love,
is not a woman for you,
Why do you love her? I think
you could find one more beautiful,
more serious, more deep,
more other, you understand me, look how she’s light,
and what a head she has,
and look at how she dresses,
and etcetera and etcetera”.

And I in these lines say:
Like this I want you, love,
love, Like this I love you,
as you dress
and how your hair lifts up
and how your mouth smiles,
light as the water
of the spring upon the pure stones,
Like this I love you, beloved.

To bread I do not ask to teach me
but only not to lack during every day of life.
I don’t know anything about light, from where
it comes nor where it goes,
I only want the light to light up,
I do not ask to the night
explanations,
I wait for it and it envelops me,
And so you, bread and light
And shadow are.

You came to my life
with what you were bringing,
made
of light and bread and shadow I expected you,
and Like this I need you,
Like this I love you,
and to those who want to hear tomorrow
that which I will not tell them, let them read it here,
and let them back off today because it is early
for these arguments.

Tomorrow we will only give them
a leaf of the tree of our love, a leaf
which will fall on the earth
like if it had been made by our lips
like a kiss which falls
from our invincible heights
to show the fire and the tenderness
of a true love.

Pablo Neruda
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Mar. 24th, 2009 @ 02:43 am
Clenched Soul


We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

Pablo Neruda
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fire
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Mar. 21st, 2009 @ 07:19 pm
while telling me not to go home too late at night (or early in the morning), my mother said the statement that never fails to piss me off.

"ka-babae mong tao..."

what does my being a girl have to do with staying out late? any answer would be pure gender prejudice, really.

i mean, i think i would only ever find this statement acceptable to hear if i am standing up with my pants down, peeing against the wall out in public. otherwise, i don't need to hear it.
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que es tu problema?!
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Mar. 20th, 2009 @ 11:40 pm
i felt i was ready to learn more about his past tonight. i braced myself. i knew i wouldn't find it pleasant. not because of anything he did really, but simply because there was a past to speak of. it's not him. it's really just me.

as i sat there listening, occasionally probing for more details and answers, i honestly don't know what i was feeling - good, bad, jealous, curious? maybe everything all at once. and in the midst of all these feelings, a few thoughts came to mind.

first, i realized that what i wanted to hear from him were not stories of break-ups or meaningless relationships. i guess i wanted to see if he loved and if he was loved. in a way, it was important for me to see that he was happy, even when he was with other people.

second, i really can not help but compare myself to the women he was telling me about and my fear is always that he is doing exactly the same thing. my insecurities begin to echo in my head. what if someone else was more attractive? or smarter? or simply better? what if i'm just benefiting from lucky timing?

in the end, i realized that if i truly love this person, my heart's desire for him is to be with the best person, even if i turn out not to be that person after all.
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Mar. 16th, 2009 @ 07:47 pm wealth
i have a tendency to always say i'm broke or "wala na akong pera!".

to be honest, it's never true. hehehe. my brother once asked me about that, i just said that "i have no money" is a mentality that prevents me from spending, and therefore allows me to save what meager income i have! yey!

not that i have a lot, but at least i know i'll NEVER be broke. that has been enough for the past several years.

lately, my eyes have been opened to the need to not just be NOT-broke, but to actually have wealth - for the future, for a family, for the lifestyle i want to live. i suppose i've been resting on my laurels because i do have my family to fall back on.

in a way, i like this feeling of having to "scrounge" for a living. i've always fiercely fought for independence and so far the financial kind has been the most elusive one to gain. i'm glad that i have discovered the drive and motivation to go for it, once and for all.

i mean, really, i'm turning thirty in a couple of weeks. i'm old enough to know money matters - because money matters.
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